The Tiger in My Brain

Redirecting restlessness, and reclaiming rhythm, one good brain day at a time

Too often, I find myself stuck in an endless loop of bouncing from screen to screen, barely aware that I’ve opened one app while closing another. Like a tiger pacing a cage, my mind is restless, hungry, needing more. More of what, I’m not entirely sure. When I feel like that (which is often) I’ll turn to food to satisfy that craving, or to online shopping. Sure it works for a slight second, but it only scratches that itch for a moment, and returning to that restlessness is immediate, flipping from app to app on my phone.

I’ve tried all the tricks. Turning my phone on greyscale, deleting the apps off my phone, trying to have a no spend month with great fanfare (and quiet backpedaling). Recently, I’ve been attacking my food issues with savagery, healing my relationship with food, and in the process losing more weight than I thought I ever could. For so long I assumed that this is simply the body I have, however, now equipped with strong tools I’ve been dropping weight, and it turns out all those people were right all along - but I always missed the mental health piece. Still food is comfort. When you take that away, there’s something underlying it, and the tiger in my brain rises up.

What does my brain actually need? Because clearly, I do not need another shopping spree or dopamine hit from my phone. Time and time again, studies come out talking about the long term affects of social media, doomscrolling and even the negative effects of AI reliance. The reality is just like training our bodies to be strong, we also need to train our brains to be strong. And it can be REALLY hard, especially when mental health comes into play. I am so thankful for the medical care I have received, and it has been essential to figuring out who I am, and what makes my brain tick.

What I do need, I think, is a sense of aliveness. Something creative, engaging, and grounding. Keeping me in my body instead of the pixel fog.

Creating routines proves to be the way to go, but as with going to the gym, consistency is key - and that proves to be much harder than I’d like it to be. I like to say I have good brain days, and bad brain days. Just like how my body has good days and bad days. More good days than bad, that’s my new metric. A good brain day may be getting to the gym, finding an hour to write, or not diving into the all-consuming panic. And when it’s a bad brain day? Giving myself grace and starting the next day anew. Life is not about control, it’s about how much capacity you have, and building it takes time.

I come from a creative family, and the longer I have been alive, the more I realize I need to have creative expression the same way I need sunshine. I love crafting, I love baking and cake decorating - I just like being creative. In this season of life, with a floor that constantly crunches underfoot, writing is the least messy of my hobbies. And with the chaos of three kids, minimizing my own mess is key. Creating a life filled with love, laughter, creativity and staying healthy as you can (both mentally and physically) is my goal. So here I am, writing, and trying to be consistent. Sorting out the thoughts in my mind, to name the challenges and bring beauty into our lives.

Starting routines in our daily life and including the kids is one of the little joys. We’ve recently started implementing a morning read-aloud time with my kids, and it has been met with mixed success. It is hard sitting for a chapter isn’t easy when you’re three or five, or even thirty-five! But I know, if we stick with it, they will look back as adults and remember these moments fondly. It is the same with our evening walks. Both kids can walk the mile, while the baby rides in the wagon. We are building endurance, for hikes someday and resilience every day. We want to raise strong kids, but not just physically. We want them to listen to their bodies, know food is fuel (and delicious!), and exercise is not punishment, but rather joy. But that is a post for another day.

So here we are. I want a life full of love and laughter, creativity and strength. A home that is warm and chaotic to be interesting. A rhythm that provides more good brain days than bad brain days. And when that tiger starts pacing, I want to have tools. Real tools that help center me, not just more content to consume. Thanks for being here, walking with me while I figure it out, one good brain day at a time.

Your friend,

Annabelle